CHAPTER SEVEN

Hopes of Having Children Vanish into Thin Air

The first week of our honeymoon passed quickly with busy activities. Every night, only two minutes after Puyi had fallen asleep, I would hear him snoring. Being aware that he was already fifty-six years old, I knew that it must have been hard for him to being so tired, so I wanted him to have a good sleep.

But I felt strange when the second week of our honeymoon started. Both of us still used separate quilts, because Puyi hadn't asked me to use a double one, like all the other newly married couples in China. I wondered if maybe this "Emperor" had supernatural self-restraint. When I had already gone to bed, he would still be sitting on the sofa, smoking cigarettes or reading a book. I was too shy to say anything, only keeping silent and drifting off to sleep, after a while.

One night I was suddenly awakened by a burning sensation on my face. I opened my eyes to find Puyi was observing my face, with a table lamp in his hand. I complained to him: "It's three o'clock in the morning and not only have you not gone to sleep, but you have a 100-Watt light in your hand. Do you want to char my face?!" Hearing what I said he had no alternative but to go back to bed. But during the next few nights, he still made a habit of observing my face with the table lamp after I'd fallen asleep. I was sure it was unusual and that a honeymoon shouldn't be spent like this.

Every day during the honeymoon, Puyi had been to the White Pagoda Temple Hospital near our home to have an injection. At first, I didn't know what kind of injection he was getting. Later I went to the injection-room in the hospital with him. I was able to ascertain that it was a hormone injection to stimulate a man's sex drive. I asked a nurse there, privately:

"Does Puyi often come here to have this kind of injection?"

"He has one every day," the nurse replied.

That night, I asked him: "Is there something wrong with you? Why do you get a hormone injection?" Being confronted with my inquiries, he started to cry and confessed that he was suffering from impotence which meant that he couldn't have a normal sex life with me at present. He confessed that he hadn't had a proper sex life for many years. He also explained that because of his physical labour in prison, he had eaten a lot more at each meal, so putting on extra weight. This made him believe that he was in good health and therefore that he must be cured of his complaint. After returning to Beijing in 1960, Premier Zhou Enlai had personally given the order that Puyi be given a thorough health check. The doctors included Mr. Shi Jinmo, Mr. Yue Meizhong, Mr. Zhang Rongzhen, the high-ranking traditional Chinese doctors, who had been invited to cure his impotence. He felt that he had already recovered and could get married, but now he knew that the problem was still present and there had been no improvement in his condition.

"Why didn't you tell me the truth before we were married?" I asked him angrily.

"I was too embarrassed to tell you. I worried that you wouldn't marry me if you had known about it in advance. And at the same time I thought I could leave things to chance and that maybe I had already recovered without even knowing it. " His words sounded sincere.

"You have a physiological problem. I sympathize with you, but you shouldn't have cheated me."

"Shuxian, I'm sorry about that. Maybe I was too selfish, but I never intended to cheat you. I really love you and I don't want to lose you. I beg you never to leave me."

"Now, there's no point in getting unduly upset, but I'm still in my thirties and I wanted to bear children myself!"

"If you love children, we can adopt one!" While saying this, Puyi fell with a thump to his knees in front of me, pleading, "Although people around me introduced many girl friends to me, I didn't really like any of them. I was overjoyed to encounter someone like you. I love you with all my heart and I will do my best to take good care of you, and make you happy throughout our lives. I shall never let you be upset by any unkindness on my part. If you have any other demands, like having a 'gentleman friend', I wouldn't stop you, so long as you still love me. My only request is that you never leave me or divorce me. Is that too much to ask?"

I had lost both my parents when I was very young and it was only when I met Puyi did I feel a dear husband's affection and love. He had been sincere, kind and had taken good care of me ever since we met. How could I possibly leave him? His sincere words had already softened my heart, leaving me only with sympathy and love for him.

I comforted myself: "It is good fortune that has brought us together; I must accept this! With tears streaming down my face, I helped Puyi to his feet and endeavoured to console him by saying: "You once said 'that if we cannot be lifelong companions in marriage, let's be everlasting friends'! Please don't cry; I won't divorce you. I know it pains you to suffer from this problem. Who can guarantee that one won't have some kind of physical problem at some stage in life? I don't think sexual pleasure is the only factor in a couple's life. From now on you can be like my 'elder brother'! I'll be happy with you so long as you love me. You said I may have a gentleman friend, but I must inform you that I really don't want a 'gentleman friend'. I would never do anything like that to hurt you! Before we got married, didn't the CPPCC HQ send officials to our hospital to investigate my background? So, you should know what kind of person I am. You needn't be concerned that I would look for another man."

I had made up my mind to sacrifice this part of marital happiness and to stay faithful to Puyi all my life. After that night, Puyi started calling me "little sister". The crisis soon passed and Puyi recovered his good spirits. He was aware that he owed me great love and affection, so he went to great lengths to take better care of me in our daily life. He seemed to want to make up for his own physical inadequacies.