03 切斯特菲爾德伯爵致兒子(1) Lord Chesterfield to His Son (1)

切斯特菲爾德伯爵(Lord Chesterfield)

名人檔案

切斯特菲爾德伯爵(1694—1773)，英國著名外交家、文學(xué)家，曾任英國駐荷蘭大使、國務(wù)大臣等。他以一系列寫給兒子的家書聞名于世。家書探討的問題具有強(qiáng)烈的現(xiàn)實(shí)意義，推理邏輯清晰，用詞準(zhǔn)確生動，被譽(yù)為“紳士教育的教科書”。

簡介與鑒賞

在這封信中，切斯特菲爾德伯爵圍繞如何取悅別人，以“你想讓別人怎樣對待你，你就怎樣去對待別人”為綱，給兒子提供了詳盡的指導(dǎo)。這其中包括“擯棄以自我為中心的癖好”、“適宜的幽默、妙語，甚至小的出格行為”和“從小處著手關(guān)注他人會給人留下無限的溫馨”等。

切斯特菲爾德伯爵教導(dǎo)兒子，要遵循一定的社交既定規(guī)范，并在其基礎(chǔ)上通過小小的變量來調(diào)適與他人的關(guān)系。同樣地，他的行文也是規(guī)矩與閃光點(diǎn)并存的：在羅列了一系列如何討好別人的方法后，他話鋒一轉(zhuǎn)：“請不要誤解，不要以為我是想讓你去學(xué)那種卑躬屈膝、厚顏無恥的阿諛奉承”，及時(shí)地阻止建議滑向功利主義極端。

給子女的訓(xùn)誡和人生建議是古往今來很多大家留給后人的巨大財(cái)富。借切斯特菲爾德伯爵給兒子的信，讀者也可以學(xué)到不少寶貴的人生經(jīng)驗(yàn)。如本文有關(guān)如何與人相處、贏得人們喜愛的建議，就是亙古不變的社交準(zhǔn)則。

英文正文

London,

October 16, O.S.1747

Dear boy,

The art of pleasing is a very necessary one to possess; but a very difficult one to acquire. It can hardly be reduced to rules; and your own good sense and observation will teach you more of it than I can. “Do as you would be done by” is the surest method that I know of, and probably the same things in you will please others. If you are pleased with the complaisance1and attention of others to your humors2, your tastes, or your weaknesses, depend upon it, the same complaisance and attention on your part to theirs will equally please them. Take the tone of the company that you are in, and do not pretend to give it; be serious, gay, or even trifling3, as you find the present humor of the company; this is an attention due from every individual to the majority. Do not tell stories in company; there is nothing more tedious4and disagreeable; if by chance you know a very short story, and exceedingly applicable to the present subject of conversation, tell it in as few words as possible; and even then, throw out that you do not love to tell stories, but that the shortness of it tempted you.

Of all things, banish5the egotism6out of your conversation, and never think of entertaining people with your own personal concerns or private affairs; though they are interesting to you, they are tedious and impertinent to everybody else; besides that, one cannot keep one’s own private affairs too secret. Whatever you think your own excellencies7may be, do not affectedly display them in company; nor labor, as many people do, to give that turn to the conversation, which may supply you with an opportunity of exhibiting them. If they are real, they will infallibly8be discovered, without your pointing them out yourself, and with much more advantage. Never maintain an argument with heat and clamor9, though you think or know yourself to be in the right; but give your opinions modestly and coolly, which is the only way to convince; and, if that does not do, try to change the conversation, by saying, with good humor, “We shall hardly convince one another; nor is it necessary that we should, so let us talk of something else.”

Remember that there is a local propriety10to be observed in all companies; and that what is extremely proper in one company may be, and often is, highly improper in another.

The jokes, the bons mots, the little adventures, which may do very well in one company, will seem flat and tedious, when related in another. The particular characters, the habit, the cant of one company may give merit to a word, or a gesture, which would have none at all if divested of those accidental circumstances. Here people very commonly err; and fond of something that has entertained them in one company, and in certain circumstances, repeat it with emphasis in another, where it is either insipid, or, it may be, offensive, by being ill-timed or misplaced.

Nay, they often do it with this silly preamble11: “I will tell you an excellent thing,” or, “I will tell you the best thing in the world.” This raises expectations, which, when absolutely disappointed, make the relator of this excellent thing look, very deservedly, like a fool.

If you would particularly gain the affection and friendship of particular people, whether men or women, endeavor to find out their predominant12excellency, if they have one, and their prevailing13weakness, which everybody has; and do justice to the one, and something more than justice to the other. Men have various objects in which they may excel14, or at least would be thought to excel; and though they love to hear justice done to them, where they know that they excel, yet they are most and best flattered upon those points where they wish to excel, and yet are doubtful whether they do or not. As for example: Cardinal Richelieu, who was undoubtedly the ablest statesman of his time, or perhaps of any other, had the idle15vanity of being thought the best poet too: he envied the great Corneille his reputation, and ordered a criticism to be written upon the Cid. Those, therefore, who flattered skillfully, said little to him of his abilities in state affairs, or at least but en passant, and as it might naturally occur. But the incense which they gave him—the smoke of which they knew would turn his head in their favor— was as a bel esprit and a poet. Why？—Because he was sure of one excellency, and distrustful16as to the other.

You will easily discover every man’s prevailing vanity by observing his favorite topic of conversation; for every man talks most of what he has most a mind to be thought to excel in. Touch him but there, and you touch him to the quick. The late Sir Robert Walpole (who was certainly an able man) was little open to flattery17upon that head, for he was in no doubt himself about it; but his prevailing weakness was, to be thought to have a polite and happy turn to gallantry18—of which he had undoubtedly less than any man living. It was his favorite and frequent subject of conversation, which proved to those who had any penetration that it was his prevailing weakness, and they applied to it with success.

Women have, in general, but one object, which is their beauty, upon which, scarce any flattery is too gross for them to follow. Nature has hardly formed a woman ugly enough to be insensible to flattery upon her person; if her face is so shocking that she must, in some degree, be conscious of it, her figure and air, she trusts, make ample amends for it. If her figure is deformed, her face, she thinks, counterbalances it. If they are both bad, she comforts herself that she has graces; a certain manner; a je ne sais quoi still more engaging19than beauty. This truth is evident, from the studied and elaborate20dress of the ugliest woman in the world. An undoubted, uncontested, conscious beauty is, of all women, the least sensible of flattery upon that head; she knows it is her due, and is therefore obliged to nobody for giving it her. She must be flattered upon her understanding, which, though she may possibly not doubt of herself, yet she suspects that men may distrust.

Do not mistake me, and think that I mean to recommend to you abject21and criminal flattery: no; flatter nobody’s vices or crimes: on the contrary, abhor22and discourage them. But there is no living in the world without a complaisant indulgence23for people’s weaknesses, and innocent, though ridiculous vanities. If a man has a mind to be thought wiser, and a woman handsomer, than they really are, their error is a comfortable one to themselves, and an innocent one with regard to other people; and I would rather make them my friends by indulging them in it, than my enemies by endeavoring (and that to no purpose) to undeceive24them.

There are little attentions, likewise, which are infinitely engaging, and which sensibly affect that degree of pride and self love, which is inseparable from human nature; as they are unquestionable proofs of the regard and consideration which we have for the persons to whom we pay them. As for example: to observe the little habits, the likings, the antipathies25, and the tastes of those whom we would gain; and then take care to provide them with the one, and to secure them from the other; giving them genteelly to understand, that you had observed they liked such a dish or such a room; for which reason you had prepared it: or, on the contrary, that having observed they had an aversion to such a dish, a dislike to such a person, etc., you had taken care to avoid presenting them. Such attention to such trifles flatters self love much more than greater things, as it makes people think themselves almost the only objects of your thoughts and care.

These are some of the arcane26n.cessary for your initiation in the great society of the world. I wish I had known them better at your age; I have paid the price of three and fifty years for them, and shall not grudge27it if you reap the advantage. Adieu28!

經(jīng)典語句

The art of pleasing is a very necessary one to possess; but a very diffi cult one to acquire.

be serious, gay, or even trifling, as you find the present humor of the company; this is an attention due from every individual to the majority.

The jokes, the bons mots, the little adventures, which may do very well in one company, will seem fi at and tedious, when related in another.

單詞/詞組

1 complaisance⁶n. 殷勤；彬彬有禮

2 humor⁴n. 體液；這里引申為“性格、性情”

3 trifling⁶adj. 微不足道的；輕浮的

4 tedious⁴adj. 沉悶的；冗長乏味的

5 banish⁴vt. 放逐；驅(qū)逐

6 egotism⁸n. 自負(fù)；自我中心

7 excellency⁶n.優(yōu)點(diǎn)，美德

8 infallibly⁸adv. 絕無錯(cuò)誤地

9 clamor⁴n.喧鬧，叫嚷

10 propriety⁸n. 適當(dāng)；禮節(jié)；得體

11 preamble⁸n. 序文；前言

12 predominant⁴adj. 主要的；支配的

13 prevailing⁴adj.最普通的；占優(yōu)勢的

14 excel⁴vt. 超過；擅長

15 idle⁴adj.懶惰的

16 distrustful⁴adj. 懷疑的；不信任的

17 fiattery⁴n. 奉承；諂媚；恭維話

18 gallantry⁶n.勇敢的行為；紳士風(fēng)度

19 engaging⁴adj.迷人的

20 elaborate⁴adj.精心制作的

21 abject⁶adj.卑鄙的；可憐的

22 abhor⁶vt. 痛恨，憎惡

23 indulgence⁴n.放縱；縱容

24 undeceive⁶vt. 使醒悟；使不受欺騙

25 antipathy⁶n. 反感；厭惡；憎惡

26 arcane⁸adj. 神秘的；秘傳的

27 grudge⁶vt. 懷恨；吝惜

28 adieu⁸int. 再見；再會

中文譯文

親愛的孩子：

惹人喜歡要有必要的條件，但這又是一門不易學(xué)到的藝術(shù)。而且很難將其歸納成規(guī)則。你自己的良知與觀察力將比我教授給你的還要多?！澳阆胱寗e人怎樣對待你，你就怎樣去對待別人”，這是我所知的取信于人的最可靠的辦法。細(xì)心留意別人怎樣做讓你愉快，那么很可能你做同樣的事也會使別人愉悅。如果別人對你的性情、興趣甚至弱點(diǎn)甚為關(guān)心，讓你滿心喜歡，請相信，你對人施以同樣的熱情和關(guān)照，也一定會使他們歡心。與人結(jié)伴來往時(shí)，需因循其中的氛圍，勿矯揉造作；發(fā)現(xiàn)同伴的幽默之處時(shí)，就開懷一樂甚至調(diào)笑一番，這是每個(gè)人對群體應(yīng)具備的態(tài)度。在人前不要說瞎話，沒有比這更讓人討厭和不悅的事了。如果你恰好有一則很簡短又相當(dāng)切題的故事，可以用最簡潔明了的語言敘述一番。即便如此，也要表示出你并不擅長講述，而僅是因?yàn)樗鼘?shí)在太簡短才使你情不自禁地這樣做。

在交談中，首先就要擯棄以自我為中心的癖好，決不試圖讓別人對自己的私事或者自己關(guān)注的事產(chǎn)生興趣。盡管這些事情對你來說興味盎然，但對于別人卻味同嚼蠟，不得要領(lǐng)。再者，應(yīng)對個(gè)人的私事有所保留。無論你自以為有什么優(yōu)點(diǎn)，切忌在人前自愛自憐地展示，也不要像許多人那樣，挖空心思地引導(dǎo)談話，以伺機(jī)自我表現(xiàn)一番。如果你確有長處，必會被人發(fā)現(xiàn)，不必自己點(diǎn)出，何況這樣做最好。當(dāng)與人有是非之爭時(shí)，決不要激動地大喊大叫，即使你自以為或者知道自己是對的，也要善加控制，冷靜地說出自己的意見，這是說服人的唯一方法。但如果這樣仍不奏效，就試著變個(gè)話題，高高興興地說：“我倆誰也說服不了誰，而且也不是非得說服對方不可，我們討論別的吧。”

要記住，與人交往時(shí)要尊重習(xí)俗禮儀。在這一群人中恰如其分的話語，對另一群人而言卻未必適宜。

于某些場合適宜的幽默、妙語，甚至小小的出格行為，換個(gè)地方會顯得平淡乏味。說一個(gè)詞或者打個(gè)手勢，在某群人中或許暗示著某種性格、習(xí)慣和隱語，而一旦離開那種特定的氛圍，就會毫無意義。人們常常在這一點(diǎn)上犯過失。他們喜歡把在某群人、某種環(huán)境中的得意言行隨便搬到別的地方使用，而此時(shí)卻風(fēng)趣盡失，或不合時(shí)宜，或張冠李戴而唐突無聊。

是的，他們常用這樣笨拙的開場白：“告訴你一件很棒的事！”或者“我要告訴你世上最絕妙的……”希望這些話能勾起對方的期待，但結(jié)果是徹底的絕望，使說這些話的人看起來像個(gè)十足的傻子。

如果你獲得別人的好感和情感，無論是男人或女人，要特別留意去發(fā)現(xiàn)他們可能具備的長處，以及他們明顯的不足之處。人人都會有缺陷，但要公正而善意地對待別人的這一點(diǎn)或那一點(diǎn)不足。人們還會有許多過人之處，或者至少具有可以稱做優(yōu)異的地方。盡管人們喜歡聽到對其自知的優(yōu)點(diǎn)的贊美，但他們最感興趣的乃是對自己渴望具備但不自信的長處的贊許，盡管他們也懷疑自己是否真是那樣。比如說，紅衣主教黎塞留無疑是當(dāng)時(shí)或者也許是有史以來最能干的政治家，但他同時(shí)也愛慕虛榮，總想被認(rèn)為是個(gè)最偉大的詩人。他嫉妒大作家高乃依的名聲，于是命人寫一篇批評《熙德》的文章。所以，那些善于拍馬的人很少在他面前提及他處理政務(wù)的能力，或者僅僅一帶而過。發(fā)生這樣的事也許是非常自然的。但他們對他的奉承——他們知道這樣做會讓他作出對他們有利的決定——就是稱他為才子和詩人。為什么這樣？因?yàn)樗麑σ环N優(yōu)點(diǎn)十分自信，但是對另外一種則有所懷疑。

觀察一個(gè)人在談話中最愛涉及的話題，你會很容易發(fā)現(xiàn)他的虛榮心表現(xiàn)在哪里，因?yàn)槊總€(gè)人對于自己最杰出的地方談?wù)摰靡沧疃唷Ｖ灰闾岬剿哪莻€(gè)地方，那么你就觸及他的敏感點(diǎn)。已故的羅伯特·沃波爾爵士(他無疑非常能干)不愛聽別人奉承他的才智，因?yàn)樗z毫不懷疑自己在這一方面的長處。但他的主要弱點(diǎn)在于他希望別人認(rèn)為他具有禮貌和勇敢的騎士風(fēng)范——在這一點(diǎn)上他無疑比任何活著的人都不如。這是他最喜愛的和最經(jīng)常談?wù)摰脑掝}。那些善于觀察的人都知道這是他的主要弱點(diǎn)，因此他們成功地利用了他的這一弱點(diǎn)。

通常來說，女性所關(guān)心的只有一個(gè)話題，那就是她們的美貌。在這個(gè)方面，不論什么奉承的話對她們來說都不為過。自然幾乎從來沒有造出過這樣一個(gè)女性，丑得連別人對她外表的奉承都無動于衷。如果她的臉非常難看，那么她自己肯定在某種程度上能意識到。于是她便相信她的身材和氣質(zhì)在某種程度上可以彌補(bǔ)這一缺陷。如果她的身材很糟糕，那么她認(rèn)為她的長相會將它抵消。如果身材和長相都一般，她會認(rèn)為自己有某種魅力、某種風(fēng)度聊以自慰。我不知道還有什么比美貌更具吸引力了。世界上最丑的女人身上十分考究的、精心制作的衣服最充分地說明了這一點(diǎn)。在所有女性當(dāng)中，那個(gè)意識到自己的美貌、對此十分自信、認(rèn)為無人可比的女性對別人奉承她的美貌是最不敏感的，因?yàn)樗肋@是她應(yīng)該享受的，因而她對別人的奉承毫不感激。你應(yīng)該奉承她具有很好的思維能力。盡管她可能對自己這方面的能力毫不懷疑，但她懷疑男人們可能會不相信。

請不要誤解，不要以為我是想讓你去學(xué)那種卑躬屈膝、厚顏無恥的阿諛奉承——不是這樣的。決不可以吹捧別人的惡習(xí)或罪行，相反，對這些要深惡痛絕和盡力阻止。但世上的每個(gè)人都會因想討好別人而遷就他們的弱點(diǎn)，他們都有著雖然可笑卻無害的虛榮。如果一個(gè)男人想讓自己顯得更聰明，一個(gè)女人想讓自己看上去更漂亮，他們的錯(cuò)誤想法令他們自己覺得欣慰，而對其他人來說也沒有害處，我寧可寬容他們的這一錯(cuò)誤與他們交朋友，而不愿想方設(shè)法地揭穿真相而與他們?yōu)閿场@樣做是毫無意義的。

同樣，從小處著手關(guān)注他人會給人留下無限的溫馨，同時(shí)這一明智的做法也能增強(qiáng)別人的自尊和自負(fù)的心理。這些與人的天性是密不可分的。這樣做無疑證實(shí)了我們是尊重和關(guān)心別人的。比如，觀察我們所要爭取的人在細(xì)小方面的習(xí)慣、他們的喜好、他們所反感的東西以及他們的興趣，然后注意投其所好，避免讓他們不快。以某種優(yōu)雅的方式讓他們知道你注意到他們喜歡這樣的碟子或者這樣的房間，正因?yàn)樗麄兿矚g所以你這樣安排了?；蛘呦喾?，你注意到他們討厭這種碟子、不喜歡這種類型的人等等，你已經(jīng)注意加以避免了。這種對瑣事的關(guān)注比那些大事更能滿足別人自負(fù)的心理，因?yàn)檫@樣做讓別人覺得他們幾乎是你所考慮和關(guān)心的唯一對象。

這些人生的秘訣對于剛剛踏入這個(gè)社會的你來說是非常必要的。我多希望我能在你這個(gè)年紀(jì)時(shí)就能很好地知道這些啊，可是我付出了53年的代價(jià)才了解到這些秘訣。如果你想收獲這些經(jīng)驗(yàn)的果實(shí)，我是絕對不會吝惜的。再見。

舊歷1747年10月16日于倫敦